My Celibacy and Kink

The Definition of Celibacy:

Celibacy is the state of abstaining from sexual relations. Often, it is voluntarily chosen for various reasons, such as religious vows, personal beliefs, or a commitment to a certain lifestyle. It's important to remember that celibacy is different from abstinence; the former typically denotes a long-term commitment, while the latter might be more temporary.

Definition of Kink:

"Kink" refers to unconventional sexual preferences, behaviors, or fantasies that go beyond what is considered "vanilla" or traditional. Kinks can involve a wide range of activities, dynamics, or interests, often emphasizing power exchange, sensation play, role-playing, or fetishes.

I have had an interesting relationship with celibacy and with kink. My interest and participation with both started at a young age. I lost my virginity at 13 to a high school junior, and my first realization that being spanked had an effect from a sexual aspect happened just a year earlier. At that time, I was spanked by the sister of a friend of mine. It was a serious spanking, not playful, but what happened to me during that spanking was something I wasn’t wholly aware of but knew was different than being spanked by a family member. The same person who delivered that spanking was also the person who took my virginity. As a Man, it seems a little strange to say that someone took my virginity, but that is what happened, and if it can be true for a Woman, it can be true for a man.

That being said, it has been the dichotomy that I have lived with my entire life. For me, spanking/kink was never something where sex was the end game. I always put those two things in separate compartments in my brain. Early on, I had no concept that spanking was anything other than a thing I liked to do to girls and have done to me. And the spankings I had received from that time and through college were from a disciplinary standpoint and never sexual. The spankings I gave were playful and light—just a thing I became known for with my partners that seemed a little “naughty,” and in college something that put me on the dark‑side spectrum and, from what I understood, something they had never experienced with other people.

Early on I knew that I liked sex, but I knew I liked spanking long before that. In the small town where I grew up, spanking was a part of life, and discussing the spankings we received was pretty commonplace. Seeing someone get spanked was just as common. But I learned sex from a different perspective. I also learned about sex from older Women who were eager to teach.

I didn’t really date in high school, but I was having lots of encounters with Women. One group were prostitutes I met through a Pimp who took me under his wing, in a fashion. The other was Women I met through a nursing student who worked with me at a restaurant. The older Women I had met, mostly White, provided a pipeline to dealers, and I was able to gain access to the best drugs, and he would pay me in kind by allowing me the company of his stable. But truthfully, what I learned from them wasn’t sex—it was about the sensuality, sexuality, and intentionality of the act. And for me it imprinted on my mind to keep my spanking proclivities and my joy of sex in two different worlds.

It's interesting how your view of things is heavily influenced by the circumstances in which you learn them. I never had sex with a partner after spanking. I presented it as fun, and we kept it that way. But during this whole time, I was never aware of what both of my indulgences represented.

In high school I didn’t know anyone who was spanking, and I certainly didn’t know anyone who was dating Women in their 20s. The term kink was something I didn’t learn until college.  A chance encounter with a Girl who showed me the first magazine I had ever seen with spanking pictures—she gave it to me. And from that point on, I knew there was connective tissue between both desires. But for me they were two separate worlds.  College was also the place where I developed a relationship with a Woman who would become a disciplinarian for me.  Again, not a term I initially knew.  It was a relationship that had an organic start and solidified in my mind that spanking and sex lived in two separate worlds.

Now that I have given the long‑winded set‑up, let’s talk about what this post is about.

My full sexual experiences came about in the 60s and 70s, the height of the Sexual Revolution. I attended a notorious party school—one that was known for its high consumption of alcohol and drugs and hippies. I took full advantage of all of it.

I began hanging out with a local band—again, a pattern for me—who were older and more than welcoming of an eager undergrad.   It was there that I learned about sexual relationships with multiple partners within a small group. We all shared each other mentally and sexually, and no one outside the group ever gained access. It was also during this time that I first heard the word celibacy, and the idea of kink expanded.  She was studying for her Master’s in Psychology, and was the only one in the group who was not having penetrative sex with anyone including her boyfriend at the time. But within our group she was the most sensual of us all.

She also was the one who taught me to use spanking as something more than some cute party trick. She taught me how to be present in the dynamics of touch. I watched her bring people to the brink with words, touch, eye contact, and it always amazed me. When she told me the reason for her celibacy, it all made sense given the times.

She showed me how people weaponized and manipulated sex to their advantage.  To her, celibacy was her way to enjoy her partners more authentically.  At 19 and 20—whenI spent the most time with her and the group—it didn’t register totally, but it did give me perspective. 

I understood through her and the Ladies I knew from high school how important engaging the mind was to engaging the body.  But more importantly, it taught me that sex/making love and relationships were more than deviant behavior. It was about giving another the best of who you were.  For her, celibacy meant spirituality and true connection. The only connection we had within our group dynamic was on an emotional level and one that involved spanking. We both grew up with strong maternal influences who taught us the importance of love and discipline. 

Side note: this Woman, just a few years later, would become my wife and the mother of my first child. We also took a platonic partner who was involved in our lives and needed to be part of our marriage. None of us knew that what we were involved in was a polyamorous, female‑led domestic discipline relationship. Over the next few years, we would also practice stretches of celibacy.

I had yet to see my love and need of spanking as something sexual. There were times I spanked our platonic partner, but it was all playful and light. And I still did not understand the breadth of spanking in the general world. And even though my wife explained that it was something from the world of “deviant” behavior, it had yet to resonate as kinky.  Kinky, in my mind, was the different sexual activities we were involved in.

Jump forward to when I found the world of kink/BDSM. My first exposure wasn’t about spanking. It was about Sadism and Masochism. It was about infliction and reception of pain for gratification.  I jumped in—I had sadistic leanings, but they had more to do with actually inflicting pain on someone through violent acts.  My involvement in martial arts was a way I could legally beat someone up.  In fact, my dojo was known for disqualifications because we wanted people to hurt when we fought. And we all got satisfaction when we walked into a tournament and people would literally put their gear away rather than fight us.  And I took that same mentality into the scene when I found it. 

But because that person was vastly different than the person who loved spanking, it helped me separate sex even further.  All I knew was suddenly I was around people who helped me realize this wasn’t an abhorrent part of me—it was me.  But there was a personal conflict. I met people who wanted to play, but they also wanted sex.  And it simply wasn’t me.

What did happen at that time was I moved to L.A., and the internet was just starting. Suddenly what had never been fully available to me was information.  I began to learn—I finally was discovering kink as it applied to my makeup. I t was also the time that I developed what would become a 10‑year polyamorous relationship with three Women who were the critical connections in my life.  None of them had  remote interest in the spanking/kink world.  We were, however, experimental when it came to sex and sensuality. They supported my involvement in my little “side kink,” as they saw it.  Also, during 8 of those years, I was celibate. The pattern continued.

What became more difficult was the internal turmoil of how people view playing in the kink world in general.  For so many people, this is all about sex.  And particularly how people view Black players—highly sexualized and almost expected.

My preferred scope in this world is as a Mentor, Disciplinarian, a Daddy.  But I most often describe myself as a Sensual Sadist.  I approach everything from a sensual perspective.  I love the touch of Women; in all aspects my play is sensual and teasing.  I enjoy pushing every button emotionally and physically possible. I want the people I play with to go to the edge of want, to find every drop of energy possible between the two of us.

This is where the dilemma comes in.  I saw how other Tops played—Men and Women—and how their sex is so intertwined.   I see it as I learned years ago: it’s a sort of weaponization and manipulation tool. I’d watch people playing, and I could see in the Top’s eyes and movements when they gave up their “we’re fucking later” move.

Playing and building relationships in this world is tricky.  We revel in each other’s bodies in ways that the general world just doesn’t get the opportunity to do.  The pure sexuality of what we do cannot be ignored, and anyone who says that isn’t true is delusional.  How do you not give in to your baser instincts?

I long ago discovered that my celibacy has never been about abstinence but an acknowledgment of my selfishness in some ways.  I take seriously how sex changes so much. It carries emotional and physical responsibility that you have to be willing to own up to. In my mind in this holds true the kink world.

I never wanted to be a Mentor or Disciplinarian because it gave me access to pussy. I didn’t want to be a Daddy because I loved to hear someone call me Daddy while I was fucking them.  My celibacy wasn’t tied to any of it.  Because my celibacy, like my kink, started way before I entered either world. And everything was informed by my desire to not overcomplicate my world and be selfish to my values.

I believe you can exist in the kink world and be sensual and sexual without dicking someone down. Celibacy has a place, but I have to say it’s fucking hard.  Well, it used to be when I was in my 40s and 50s… at 70 I’d be flattered if anyone was interested sexually.

People don’t have to buy into how I choose to live my kink.  I’m just certain that you can do one without the other.  I used to believe that my celibacy made me a better player because I was tuned into things others maybe were not.  But that isn’t a truism—it’s just a thing for me.  Coexistence is a wonderful thing.

Even though I am involved with someone who I do have a sexual relationship with, it is only because I made the choice in my mind that I could accept the consequences of what may come out of doing so. But we both allow the space for me to have my periods of celibacy with them.  And we are intentional when we want to play as foreplay to sex, but it is never the end goal.

But curious where you stand on celibacy and kink… sex and kink.