Spankos vs. BDSM Players: Drawing the Lines—or Erasing Them

This post comes from a Reply I received from a Spanking centric Blog I sometimes visit.  I’ve always been intrigued, and admittedly a bit amused, by the Spanking community’s need to distance themselves from BDSM. It’s like they want to put up a big sign saying, “We are NOT those people.” Why the need for these hard lines? And more importantly, why does this seem so specific to certain groups, particularly the overwhelmingly White Spanko community?

When I first started navigating the kink world, it was clear there were rules—both spoken and unspoken. I’m a dedicated Spanko, but even from the beginning, I noticed the sharp divide. Spankos seemed to look down on BDSMers, while BDSMers treated Spankos like cute little cousins, not quite in the same league. Both perspectives felt wrong to me.

### A Spanko’s Journey Through the Kink World

One of my first interactions in the Spanko community really drove home the divide. A White woman told me she didn’t play with Black men because, in her words, “They weren’t true Spankos.” Once I stopped laughing I asked her what did that even mean? She explained that every Black man she’d met had come from BDSM spaces and didn’t understand “the dynamics of spanking.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Did she think Black people weren’t into spanking at all? She assured me that wasn’t the case, but her tone said otherwise. It was a stark reminder that the Spanko world wasn’t just separated from BDSM—it was exclusive in ways that felt intentionally gatekept.

### Spanking vs. BDSM: A Closer Look

For those unfamiliar with the nuances, here’s how the two communities often define themselves:

**Spanking:**

1. **Tools:** Hand, paddle, belt, wooden spoon.

2. **Focus Areas:** Bottom, sit spot, thighs.

3. **Honorifics:** Spanker/Spankee, Sir/Ma’am.

4. **Force:** Usually stops at redness.

5. **Relationships:** Often tied to DD (Domestic Discipline), FLR (Female-Led Relationships).

6. **Negotiation:** Rarely happens explicitly.

7. **Play Roles:** M/F, F/F, F/M.

8. **Consent:** Always central.

**BDSM:**

1. **Tools:** Hand, flogger, cane, paddle (yes, some overlap).

2. **Focus Areas:** The entire body.

3. **Honorifics:** Master/Slave, Dominant/Submissive, and others.

4. **Force:** Bruising and marks are more common.

5. **Relationships:** Includes 24/7 dynamics, Daddy/Babygirl, and others.

6. **Negotiation:** Detailed and mandatory.

7. **Play Roles:** M/F, F/F, F/M, M/M.

8. **Consent:** Absolutely non-negotiable.

On paper, these distinctions seem clear. But in practice? Not so much. I’ve seen Spankos use canes and BDSMers deliver OTK spankings. The tools, the roles, even the dynamics often overlap—it’s the communities that keep the divide alive.

### The Racial Divide

Here’s where things get personal. As a Black man, my experiences in the Spanking and BDSM communities have been vastly different. The Spanking world has been, without a doubt, the most exclusionary. It’s overwhelmingly White, and while some individuals were welcoming, the community as a whole made it clear I wasn’t one of “them.”

At a well-known Spanko event, I noticed another Black couple actively avoiding me. It wasn’t subtle—they seemed determined not to associate with me, likely because they were “the chosen ones” for that event. Meanwhile, White men made it clear to the women that if they played with me, they wouldn’t get coveted invites to private suite parties.

This exclusion didn’t just sting—it motivated me. I started hosting my own parties and munches, creating spaces where everyone, regardless of race or background, could feel welcome. Unsurprisingly, my events were far more diverse, often attended by players from the BDSM community who appreciated the lighter atmosphere but firm focus on consent.

In contrast, my forays into the BDSM world were a breath of fresh air. POC players were more inclusive, focusing on connection and dynamics rather than arbitrary labels. My heteroflexibility and identity as a Switch were never questioned—they were simply accepted.

### Breaking Down the Barriers

The real kicker is that the divide between Spanking and BDSM is mostly about semantics. Here’s the reality:

1. **Spanking and Impact Play:** They’re fundamentally the same activity, just with different names.

2. **Tools and Positions:** Whether it’s OTK on a sofa or bent over a spanking horse, the mechanics are similar.

3. **Force and Intensity:** Both communities can dish out serious marks, no matter the “label.”

4. **Honorifics and Roles:** These are all negotiated. Whether you’re a Spanker or a Dominant, respect is key.

 

For me, the distinctions feel arbitrary. The kink world is already full of boxes—why create even more?

### Finding My Place

I won’t sugarcoat it: the Spanking community’s exclusivity often felt stifling. But running my own events taught me an important lesson: the more we mix and mingle, the more we learn from one another. When I opened my parties to BDSM players, people were shocked. Spankos asked, “If you allow floggers and canes, how is this different from a BDSM party?” My answer? “It’s not—and that’s okay.”

Teaching classes further solidified this. I got tired of hearing Spanking wasn’t “flashy” or “dynamic” like flogging or rope work. So I showed them. My style of play blends rhythm, music, and sensual sadism, proving that Spanking can be just as captivating. BDSMers embraced it; Spankos dismissed it. But the reactions of those I played with spoke volumes.

### Moving Forward

The kink world is diverse and endlessly exciting, but only if we let it be. Rigid boxes and labels do more harm than good, especially when they create unnecessary divides. Spankos and BDSMers have more in common than not—it’s time we recognize that.

So, here’s my challenge: let go of the need to define everything. Choose from both sides of the menu. Explore. Play. Learn. You might just discover a whole new world of possibilities.