The Colors of Kink

  This is an age old question? Is a Hotdog a Sandwich?  Is a Top a Dominant?  What do you think? The creation of a sandwich and hotdog and the role of a Dominant or Top in the BDSM community can be correlated through the lens of intention, fulfillment, and balance. Here's how I think they might work out: 1. Purpose and Let's break down the definition of a sandwich and a hot dog: Sandwich:  Traditionally, a sandwich consists of two slices of bread with various fillings such as meat, cheese, vegetables, and condiments. The basic structure is bread-filling-bread. However, there are countless variations, including open-faced sandwiches, wraps, and more. Hot Dog:  A hot dog is typically a cooked sausage (usually a frankfurter or wiener) served in a sliced bun. The bun is designed to hold the sausage and can include toppings like mustard, ketchup, onions, relish, and sauerkraut. Can this be taken to a thought level for the purpose of how we might see Tops and Domina...

This post comes from a Reply I received from a Spanking centric Blog I sometimes visit.  I’ve always been intrigued, and admittedly a bit amused, by the Spanking community’s need to distance themselves from BDSM. It’s like they want to put up a big sign saying, “We are NOT those people.” Why the need for these hard lines? And more importantly, why does this seem so specific to certain groups, particularly the overwhelmingly White Spanko community? When I first started navigating the kink world, it was clear there were rules—both spoken and unspoken. I’m a dedicated Spanko, but even from the beginning, I noticed the sharp divide. Spankos seemed to look down on BDSMers, while BDSMers treated Spankos like cute little cousins, not quite in the same league. Both perspectives felt wrong to me. ### A Spanko’s Journey Through the Kink World One of my first interactions in the Spanko community really drove home the divide. A White woman told me she didn’t play with Black men because, ...

  As defined by [Kinkly](https://blog.kinkly.com/definition/race-play/), race play is BDSM that involves role-play with racial imagery. It typically involves interracial partners, though anyone can participate. It’s a type of advanced psychological play. Or as I like to say when asked to do so: *“Please miss me with that shit.”* I pose this as a question because I think there are fine lines and 1,000-foot chasms to consider. For me, it ties into why I had such a visceral response to the BDSM world. The terminology, the culture, and the practice all felt too aligned with the history of slavery. The concept of race play was always a hard no for me—even in my "vanilla" life, before I found the world of BDSM and kink. Growing up in the ‘60s and ‘70s during the sexual revolution, this was an interesting thing to navigate. My introduction to white women wanting to play out a stereotypical Mandingo, *Sweet Sweetback* dynamic happened in college. It was the first time a white w...

  It’s been announced that for the 2025 Met Gala, four Black men—A$AP Rocky, Pharrell Williams, Lewis Hamilton, and Colman Domingo—will co-chair the event. This, in itself, is groundbreaking. Even more impactful is their focus on showcasing Black designers throughout history. Every layer of this announcement is historic.   The theme for the Met Gala will celebrate Black dandyism, style, and tailoring, with inspiration drawn from Monica L. Miller’s 2009 book *Slaves to Fashion: Black Dandyism and the Styling of Black Diasporic Identity*. The event will examine the concept of the “Black dandy,” tracing its development from Enlightenment Europe in the 18th century to its modern incarnations in 21st-century fashion hubs like London, New York, and Paris.   In the Black community, dressing well was never just about looking good—it was a cultural commitment. Weekends, and especially Sundays, were the pinnacle of style, with church being the ultimate runway. It was a sacred t...

  Recently, someone in a Discord group I’m part of posted an interesting question: "What Would Your Black Kink Dissertation Topic Be?" It struck a chord. There are so many things worth digging into, and the responses were solid—some were funny, others serious, but all of them sparked some good conversation. It got me thinking about something that’s been on my mind for the past 20 years. And now that I’m in my 70s—officially part of the septuagenarian club—it feels more relevant than ever. Seventy-one is a unique place to be. I always said I wouldn’t still be doing all *this* after 60. But age, as they say, comes with markers—those milestones we anticipate, maybe even invite. When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to leave my mother’s house. Actually, I left at 17 when I headed off to college. That’s also when I found my first disciplinarian and got my first spanking from someone who wasn’t family. Then came 21, and I discovered that my spanking skills were *appreciated* by the ...

    Fetishization is when someone reduces you to an object of desire based on one aspect of your identity. It can be sexual or non-sexual, but either way, it’s dehumanizing and harmful.   One thing that’s always been at the front of my mind is how Black men are fetishized. Now, this isn’t just a Black man thing; BIPOC folks across the board deal with it. But I’m speaking from my own experience, as a Black man. In my journey through the kink community, I’ve mostly played with white women. And because of that, I’ve always had to walk this fine line with how I let myself be seen and how I acted. Kink and TTWD (This Thing We Do) are often sexualized for a lot of people. Naked bodies are exciting to most of us, that’s just a fact. But for me, even though sex was usually expected as part of play, I negotiated it out. And yeah, that confused some of my partners. They didn’t get why I wasn’t leaning into it.   What I’ve noticed over the years is that there are certai...

                                    Internet Image find from Black BDSM Facebook post I recently had the opportunity to co-top an incredible young woman and her partner, both close friends of mine. It was a truly special experience, and it sparked a lot of reflection on the significance of race within the kink community.   As I considered what made this scene so impactful, I realized that throughout my years in kink, my interactions with POC players have been limited. Most of my play partners, including my current partner, have been white—not by choice, but simply due to availability and circumstances. This lack of representation in my play experiences often left me feeling disconnected from my own cultural identity.   However, over the past couple of years, this dynamic has begun to shift. I met the couple I played with through a relatively new munch group for POC players in my area. For...

 This first entry is to give you some insight into who I am.  That being said, do not take it to mean you will know me after reading.  But you will have an idea. Navigating the world of boxes in the Kink community is the biggest trap for those of us who hate definitive definitions determined by the binary collective.    My feelings and thoughts are informed by how I chose to live my life and those I choose to share it with and they with me.   Everything I do I started experiencing and developing long before I knew there was an active community to join.   The core of who I am was formed in those years and I have fought like hell to not allow the constraints of the boxes that are applied to us form normative terminology and nomenclature. My existence in the scene is also colored by the fact I am a Black Man in a White controlled environment. The steps I take in this world will always be tempered by the fact others will believe I must live to a differ...